Owning Self

Owning Self

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Today is holiday being Good Friday, the day of crucification of Jesus Christ, who will resurrect after 3 days on Easter Sunday. This is the day perhaps to remind us that good cannot be killed. This is the spirit that people should continue doing good even if failed in in-between struggles. Spirit of winning good sees things in a long perspective and empowers man of surety of good results if deeds are pure for humanity. Although we all think always doing only the right things but inside or in core of hearts, know that we do wrongs many a times. We simply fool selves that we are right; however, the concept of righteousness is comparative as it varies from person to person. Person who is meditative & thought-explorer / analyzer on some right scale (parameter he chooses basing on knowledge perception & judgment), shall probably be able to better judge his thoughts & conduct than one who doesn’t much heed. But knowing only doing good or bad is also not much important unless we convert the spirit of right conduct in day-to-day living. Perfect living devoid from duality of doing wrong & perceiving right can only lead to the way of sagacious ones who have tried to give humanity something. The seer also tends to see the good ignoring bad, concentrates on spreading more good in the ambiance. In book ‘Secret’, Rhonda Byrne implies that the things we weigh more shall flourish more, and concentration on health, wealth, wisdom, goodness, etc. shall only lead their flourishing. So we should shun negativity & concentrate more on life essences.

Exploring self is not an easy task as it first does away all superficiality – uncovering, realizing true-self, and ensuring that I am not a dual man. Good / bad, sane / fool, right / wrong, true / false, confident / diffident, happy / sulking, rich / poor or so on, are not hidden. I see self as exactly I am. But just sitting in meditation only doesn’t uncover, and despite intention, self is nowhere visible. It looks just trying to turn the pebbles scattered in front. Stones are many but may contain one diamond also hidden which I am not able to trace. I don’t know the ‘Inner engineering’ or the ‘Art of Living’, which may be perhaps due to too much dirt, and be able to see piousness inside i.e. Atman or soul. That realization is perhaps only the goal of Yoga-Samadhi, but journey to Samadhi is long one and one has to cover several intermediate stages. Of course, one can know those stages and practice even but ultimate aim should be Samadhi. While treading the paths, however, there are chances that we get lost in myriads of interior turbulences, and forget the real goal & hardly attain any stage. Although attaining internal goals itself is also a matter of celebration & satisfaction but not necessarily the ultimate aim. Idea is not to ignore but they shouldn’t be the goals in themselves considering the value of ultimate. They are like our customs & rituals – helpful but not the final ends. We are to opt for best for churning out the precious. Uncover & uncover – go inner & inner, broaden horizon, see things more clearly, and inculcate habit to ponder deep. But question is what this pondering depth is? Is this what I am doing exactly now? Perhaps not – because I am not much near depth, although come at certain distance from outer consciousness but not attained the pure consciousness hitherto.       

Great people have gone deep and tried to take out best from inside – may be ideas, writings, social service, discoveries, inventions, education, medicine or any other field. They have used the findings of inside to outer fields, and their acts have greatly benefited the Humanity as such. Although everybody is doing his / her best but there is certainly a comparative scale with those who really tend. This tending again becomes a question – what to tend – what I am tending now or should tend at the moment? How can visualization be purified to bring more good ideas at this juncture? Mind shouldn’t be heavy rather be light to give way to the coming ideas, welcoming them, and be receptive rather rejective. Mind becomes here self and self the ideas which lead to true victory & a controller of self. When we know selves, there is nothing to know of others. Then it is easy to realize others as they are only more or less like us and so we needn’t to fear. Life is to be lived and we need to interact with selves for this, do internal discussions, throbbing, and set calmness for true happiness. Aim is now to enlighten self to reach the self. Path is to be lighted as dark is everywhere but I am not able to perceive anything, just converse in words not knowing what is happening. The question of self-victory needs be answered instantly. How to discover self and where is that hidden? I am to find this at all costs. May be this is also not appropriate enough but my intentions of attaining that self-hood are clear. This is a challenge to self and I am to succeed. I am to be honest to self, make this low-life a gem, and give this world a good human so that at least one rascal is lessened. I am to smile at success – the real worthiness and facilitate attaining other goals related to outer duties. But at present the field is only inner one. Dear Almighty, kindly enlighten, help / facilitate to reach to real essence, do good, soothe and fulfill the dreams cherished.

Thanking you.

Pawan Kumar,

4^th September, 2016 Time 23:02 Night

(From my Dairy 02.04.2010 Time 12:36 Noon) 

        

People’s Lives and Morning Prayers

People’s Lives and Morning Prayers

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I have just now finished the story 'अरमान' from the book 'गूंगे सुर बाँसुरी के' by Sh. Pannalal Patel, a very famous Gujarati story-writer. This is a compilation of stories translated in Hindi by other persons. His style of writing is very much touching. He goes deep into human psychology and tries to explore the best. He emphasizes that people in general are very innocent, and a vibrant life is filled in ordinary peoples’ lives. Further they are able to correct selves if sometimes there are mistakes. They enjoy life, feel it, weep it and live it fully. In fact we become too sophisticated over the time, and don’t care other people’s psychology or perspectives, and this is sad. Inter-dialogue is an important thing, and able to negotiate a way. We shouldn’t scratch a permanent line in the relations, and realise that within deep of us, a pure human being is hidden. Only thing required is to explore that and respect. A big question is how to become the best and desire the best from others? But we must first respect others - behave properly so that they also realize their actual positions & potentials. We must come on their platform, brood their situation, and must not expect a sea-change in a little time. We should keep enough patience so as to achieve full benefits. But we must also realize the actual facts & forces acting behind a phenomenon and then judge the importance of that event in our arena and decide what to act and how to act.

Today’s day was passed in office work only. Since last few days, I have started going morning walk up to the ‘Pastor House’ on hill above Tripura Castle of Shillong, where I am posted. It is sun’s morning here, I take exercise and concentrate on nothingness and then meditate on knowledge-goddess ‘Saraswati’. I pray her to bless with right knowledge, right attitude, right resolve and right action. I pray to help in understanding the complete issues of nature in a simple way; enrich memory and fill dedication in me in all spheres of life taken up as activity. I wish to be blessed with curiosity, tirelessness and always knowledge-pursuing. There are many questions about self, surroundings, terrestrial/extra-terrestrial etc. Spheres are many – I try to find answers. O Ma Saraswati, bless, bless me, I am quite a novice & simpleton. You have blessed even the most forgetful persons. With your pity, the whole darkness of mind shatters and one can enter into something another world where happiness is borne in the heart. Such is the realization of internal ecstasy. O Ma Saraswati, I can’t succeed without your grace. Kindly grant buddhi (knowledge) so that I may know priorities, and bless courage so that I can work upon them. You can only support me. Ma, I am unable to tolerate many a times – you raise me in own eyes. Please persuade so that I can do something remarkable of some essence. Life can extend with your blessings only; a life lived without its feeling is worthless. With your pity only, I can stand on own feet. I am not able to listen the music of heart, your Veena. Ma, please tell how to be your devotee, pupil, son & worthy of your blessings. My tongue is sewed quietly and I am not able to speak. Or even if I speak, that is not of much value. With your prasada (compassion) only, I may be good at speech. My pen is not able to write good words, Ma, bless me. Do away my mind from evils so that I can think best of the possible best. Right, appropriate and complete knowledge are the targets. Make me sit to the job, and persuade to work hard. My only wish is to be a sincere child of your school, going to right sources for seeking knowledge. Please bless with vinaya (submissiveness) for gaining vidya (right knowledge), and snatch from useless & bad dialogues. Enable to realize priorities in life, respecting knowledgeable and able to sit in their feet for attaining true knowledge. Please do away my laziness and mind’s tiredness to make experience ‘true consciousness’. O Ma, please help & bless me.

Your son,

Pawan Kumar,

27^th August, 2016 Time 22:51 Night

(From my Shillong Dairy 5^th February, 2001 Midnight)

Responsible Journey

Responsible Journey

I am feeling well and happy. Since morning only, I was thinking to pen today & bring the self a little closer. Apparently I am with me all the times - in walking, working, eating, doing chores and even in sleep but there is a vast hiatus between intrinsic & outwardly feelings. We are told that a great empire or treasure exists inside which fortunately we can realize but such experience has not occurred to me so far. At times, there are few ecstatic moments while brooding or good reading when I feel closer to self but at other times, only vast gap is seen. Path is endless which at times I try to traverse by taking few paces but that is only when in some brooding process. This diary writing can witness that or close ones may perhaps realize a lit bit. My thinking to self i.e.. strong points – encouragement; weak points - overcoming them & converting into sturdy ones; knowledge about self - making it witness & stopping thinking of me doing a great job for world; thirst for knowledge - enhancing it to the extent possible; quest for excellence - having a real feeling inside & felt by others if possible; choices - strong desires to shape life in own way or in other’s ways also if suiting and I like it.

Details have a large role in life - planning to the last bit possible- preparing self for that, having knowledge of things, reading suitable literature, nearing the best ones, trying to develop harmony in working, respecting the sincere peers, having positive outlook / sympathy for less-fortunate / knowledgably disadvantaged people, and desire to cherish knowledge from superior ones in any field. Respect for excellence is key to progress and leads towards self-actualization winning self, sorting out several small issues & things which the world thinks important. One is to attain vast inner treasure but where, what, how that is - its characteristics, formal forms, and how it is realized? Questions are many and need answers. Several books have been read and many more will be read - timely solace is there also but permanent fixation in mind / body stage is yet to arrive at. Inner is dark and on illumination only, I can realize it? We are told this hidden is the greatest of all other treasures and nobody can snatch from us. Yes, great minds try to share it with others by distributing the realms of inner experiences, and pave ways for inward journey. Blessed ones certainly try to foot in that and great ones realize that vast, endless inner world. My situation is of coming in this unknown land but not knowing anyone who can help. Strange are all things, unknown of the languages, like situation at birth in world, not knowing whether the family where birth taken is happy or gloomy, and even who the mother is. Everything is strange and nothing is conceivable. That is the land of aliens – unaccustomed, certainly quite ignorant, not knowing their way. Nobody is guide and distant goals aren’t known. We don’t have the resources to reach and only grieve own lame, helpless & gloomy feelings.

But we have set out a foot and problem is we can’t return back because being fallen from a great high world and there is not any intermediate place for shelter. It is like of a raindrop fallen from cloud not knowing its culmination - venom, pearl or just vapored away in hot sand-bed depending on where falls. Situation is of not knowing the present, past or future, having quite unconscious mind and just walking as an ignorant. No attachment, feeling, desire; nothingness is only essence or feeling but that also is not known. Life has turned into unconscious one - a dark world where only this pen is crawling on the paper. It is said that this nothingness is of great value as it evacuates self from pre-occupations, false notions, outward imitations and other inhibitions. But this is the situation of the equanimity - no happiness or gloom, the entire world is same. Here I am quite alone. Though no leg-pulling, I still require help - not knowing from where it shall come.

In the start, eagerness is shown to move closer, befriend with self – becoming own support. I am to be of strong will and win self, to be just of self. I have consciously decided to work with it. So in the dark situation of inward journey also, I carry a strong desire & consciousness to cherish hidden treasured goal. Desire is only to realize that Ultimate consciousness. Perhaps it is only here mind is shaped such that outward enemies- kama (lust), krodha (anger), mada (pride), moha (affliction), lobha (greed), and matsarya (jealousy) are away. Problem is how to lead self and what are the steps in journey - trying to understand the apparent facets of inner world - what are they and how to befriend? What are its colors, how do they look, their show eagerness / interest, if any, and any seemingly friendly to be a torch-bearer in the journey? They must have knowledge of that world although unsure because having no knowledge even when seemingly live almost an endless life. But there are few who try to understand this life / world and know more. In this world, we should have such souls as friends, and in other world also where we have stepped in - the amiable fellows whom we can talk, understand signs and aquatint and so on.

So who are these friends or guides in this serious journey? In childhood, we used to listen from epics that some unknown helped the seeker in furthering his journey. Although the help is situation-specific and not a sure sign of success but certainly a harbinger to move ahead because we have to pass through many realms successfully before reaching the ultimate one. For every situation, solution is unique but that has to be found. Personal valour, strong earnest and non-stopping attitude creates a winner. It is the journey of no rest. In rest also, brooding is about it as journey is more important than achievement because it enriches with vast intrinsic experiences and nears to self. So now we should have certain unknown as friends - who can be these? I think they are attitudes, qualities with which though aware already but didn’t give much attention. Sages have listed few as honesty, compassion, truth, equanimity, behavior as we want for us or so. These are important not only for outer world but also for inward journey as they provide required strengths to traverse fathomless distances. So consider some of such strong points as friends in this journey.

One character from inner world understands this desire and expresses this as unique, and only the bold can enter while the weak ones have to give way. Since I have tried entry, decide the goal - is it really so or simply acting or dramatizing but intents are good and strong. Then the message comes - try to be a good human, useful to others, loyal to responsibilities - not imposed by others but out of respect respect & fulfill them faithfully. Try to impart the best - in speech, actions and behavior. Don’t speak omens & stop blaming others - it only shows own wickedness, weaknesses and ill feelings. Have good feelings for others - well-wishers or otherwise. Try to do as many good deeds as possible. Pass the life in the best way that on its passing, there is no regret. Life is the name of living i.e. consciousness, control over one’s thinking & physical actions. Bring dignity by actions, be repose in disposition and lead people in sympathetic ways. Understand humanity and have respect for that. Be systematic in approach and efficient. Try to cover many things in least possible time, efficiently but do not compromise on excellence. Give importance to time, people & available resources. Try to live the best in present moments and realize their importance. Goal shouldn’t be for self only but for entire humanity also including children, spouse, parents, brothers, sisters, their children, fellow villagers, relatives, neighbors, friends etc., and helping in own ways. How can they be developed to the extent possible? Being from a needy social arena, there is a more responsibility towards it. Not to live only in own fool or some may say happy world but having regard for fellow citizens and doing something positive shall be a little service to humanity. So besides job or home duties, social responsibilities should also be part of journey. Admittedly resources are scarce - but knowledge, enlightening, inspiration and goodwill shall also be asset for them in a large way. 

So life is not only of self and family but for all & loving the background where born. Motives are firm and unwavering, and shall certainly do the best possible. Problems are many and larger society needs to take responsibility, be a more caring,  reasonable understanding for disadvantaged, doing best for excellence and undiminished will to progress and not to look sad, increasing participation and so on. So I should try to do job in the best possible manner and excel in working I am responsible. May be I am successful in realizing the results in the outward & inward scales, and that will be tribute to self and my thoughts.

Wishing a Best Journey. 

Pawan Kumar,

20^th August, 2016 Time 23:42 Mid-night

(From my Dairy dated 07.05.2006 Time 6.00 PM)

Philosophy Present

Philosophy Present

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What is life’s philosophy, how can I say living own life

Or just passing in a mental scape, mired in self’s deeds?

Some reading is fine but what firm convictions erupted

Not believing just as projected, but mind conceives right?

Others may profess incorrect; you can be in their shoes 

Reasonable is when self’s elevation finds one platform.

What world’s best minds construct, profess for general use

Else they think without fixed ends & length in-between?

In general in daily lives, we react as per our inclinations

Can they be compiled though difficult, depends on situation?

How one behaves in a fixed way, is his life’s philosophy

And accumulates attributes, is environment found by luck?

What we’re in present moments, could others be in theirs

Could each be that very person, had same conditions given?

What genetic material & environment, we interact in daily lives

How much sportingly we take or forcing factors goad to believe?

Who are teachers, parents, friends, tending to move in set ways

Or am I just a fluff that one blow will fly in its direction?

What freedom man is given to believe in his own ways

Why prejudices goad mind, not letting free to ponder?

Good or bad is relative, depending upon own interests

Free, neutral can judge correctly for good in ultimate run.

Why I am so, what factors working on at present  

Is it a machine or object, behaving what use put to?

If object, who is keeper, responsible for correct working

I, surrounding or Almighty, question big needing answer?

Who provides present conditions, I write these words

Why mind thinks only these, alternatives don’t erupt?

Why do I move in philosophy, which persuades to move

Or inner thinking world just pursues to take some out?

Is writing normal action, auto evolves to a mental level

Or a process to embrace culminating best, one can find?

Life’s purpose is to understand full by possibly self or others

I am minuscule; see very little, unable to draw a big picture.

My philosophy is according to situation, whether I like or not

I can be dissatisfied with life, even with working on thoughts.

It is not necessary always to be comfortable with inner self

Many times frustrations tear apart, forcing to find solutions.

Who does pose questions to self, am I able to find answers

What material found in way, does that suit my conditions?

Who are guides on aspects, what philosophy carry in selves

How much matching inclinations, determines each course?

What are cultural contexts, do I imbibe good relations with

Who will show path or else remain in perpetual darkness?

What is this inner constitution and stuff I am consisted of

What possibilities are inhibited & adaptability as them?

What time is given to healthily take up or rebel status quo

I consider many situations as bad & try to avert with force.

Mind germinates all good-bad thoughts, action comes later

A step big to challenge authorities, not happens in one day.

What are daily materials - layer & embalm a set behavior

Why strengthen in that very way, in which I am interested?

Often things don’t happen as wished, I am a mute spectator

Life doesn’t flow as wished, else scene would be different.

There’re many Yes-No or 1-0 situations, choose only one 

One is gainer or loser, we remorse on being disenchanted.

Many accidents we meet in daily lives, none wishes fatal

Several things not in own control, may we confess or not.

Many situations go on making, knowingly or not in actions

Even when we do nothing, action may be seen good or bad.

What secular solutions to unimaginable, can succeed in efforts

Yes careful tread with good intentions may perhaps pave way.

World is a mix of several factors -big, small or frivolous

Each has its own weight and goads result in its favour.

We’re to be strenuous & can pressurize to be one factor

Ultimate not in hand, attention is key in close situations.

Practise doing small tasks independently, see what factors work

Slowly increase efforts for complex, influence each connected.

Personal efforts - a big say, things can be decided by own weights

It is persuasion/timely action, control before going beyond hand.

Slowly describe life’s attributes & define in own words

Words are life’s philosophy, maybe we believe or not.

What we think is only reflected, at times inconvenient too    

But define honest inner being, that will reveal a little self.

Thanks, Try more elegantly.

Pawan Kumar,

19th March' 2016 Time 18:31 PM

(From My Dairy 15^th November’2015 Time 10:52 AM)